Here are two of the candidates who are contesting Glasgow East next week;
Party Name: Scottish Socialist Party
Candidate Address: Flat 3/2, 12 Crow Road, Glasgow G11 7RT
Party Name: Scottish Labour Party
Candidate Address: 75 Langside Drive, Glasgow G43 2ST
Now, cast your minds back to the Scottish election last year, where the poor, drunken Scots couldn't work out the "complicated election ballots". Now look at the similarity between the two candidates above. Both have the same surname. Both have "Scottish" and "Party" in the title of their respective parties. The only difference being "Labour" and "Socialist" and they both mean the same thing - "handout".
So, there's a contest between the Scottish Handout Party and the Scottish Handout Party and their candidates; Wee Hen Curran and Wee Hen Curran. And that's before we consider the third Scottish Handout Party - the Scottish National Party.
Polling stations will be open from 11.00am to 11.00pm. I shouldn't imagine they'll see much action before 2pm on account of most of Glasgow East's electors not being, ahem..."early risers". I would imagine that most electors will call in, after having had "the hair of the dog" in some dreadful, grey, box-shaped, pebble-dashed pub, with formica tables and a plywood bar-top upon which stand a depressing array of gas-charged taps advertising Messers McEwans' and Tenants' various carbonated piss.
What a headache for Labour's planners! It conjures up an image of Labour's proposed army of canvassers going from door to door, armed with graphic signs with which to persuade voters;
"Aye...whose fukkin' askin'?"
"Mr McAlchy, I'm from the Labour Party in London and we're here to make sure you continue to recieve money without having to work for it"
"Oooah.....fuken magic! Weer issit, then...thish moneh??"
"Mr McAlchy, first you have to do something for us"
"We need you to tick a box on a piece of paper"
"Soonds easy enough!...gimme the paper, cos ah wunt money fur som swally, y'ken"
Canvasser reaches into pocket and produces long plastic-coated sign depicting three symbols, from left to right; a tick, a red rose and a twenty pound note.
"Mr McAlchy, if you put one of these next to the box with one of these in it, then you'll continue to get these"
"Aye, OK....gimme it..."
"No, no, Mr. McAlchy, you have to do this next Thursday at the Polling Station....on the day of the election.....err, next week??"
........sound of clenched fist on cheek, followed by groaning and sirens.