Monday, 2 March 2009

African Union appoints "Finance Advisor to HM Treasury"

Mr Robert Mugabe, on his appointment as the AU's Financial Advisor to HM Treasury

"Hello to ahl de good folks uf de Yoo Kay. It's mee agin, Bobby Mugabe. Yoo may rememba me from mah appointment las' year as Demoacracy Advisor to de Eee Yoo"

"Well, eet look like mah talents is wanted agin, dis tahm in Inger-land. Auld Gor-don Brohn 'as managed to get heemself in a tereeble mess wid hees econu-me."

"Ah mus' admeet dat ah wuz a beet apree-henseev abut tekin' up de pohst in de furst instant, as affairs in Zimbabwe is nod, ahem ....exactlee 'ideal'. But, wen ah express dis senti-ment to de chairman of de African Uni-yon, he dispel mah fears stret away; "ha, ha Bobby" he say, "wen you see wot a totahl shambils auld Brohn hes med uf de Yoo Kay econu-me, yoo weel see yoo hev nothin' t' fear, mah auld frend". And as dey seh;"in de kingdum uf de blind, de wun eyed man ees king". Needless t' seh, ahm bein' meta-phorical here".

"Ah med a ini-shall inspection uf de facks abaht de econu-me uf de yoo kay, and mah frends, de news ees nod gud. Dere ees a catalog uf dredful meestakes goin' back many years".

"Led me tell yoo som-ting peepel; wen yoo sell gohld, yoo do eet verry quietly……sshhhh… Wen ah sell mah contree’s gohld, ah tell nearly nobodee. Nod even mah Finance Meenister! Ah onlee tell Grace, an' she decide wut t' pay forrit and where it go afterward. Den ah decide wut t' doo wid de funds uf de sale an' where dey go afterward. Yoo do nod jump around sayin' "look at me!, look at me!, ahm sellin' gohld!, ahm sellin' gohld!..." an' mekin' a gret noise like a big scotch elly-phant, so ahl de buyer form a ring at de auction, an' make love wid yoo frum behind. And annuder ting, yoo only sell de gohld wen de gohld price is high and nod low. Really peepel, dis ees Janet an' John eco-nomics, nod rokket science".

“Ah ahlreddy know wut ees de forst ting ah must takkel wen ah goes t’ Inger-lund t’ sorht out ahl de finan-cial probber-lems; image. Image ees very import-tant in de govern-ment. De rascal Blair know wut it meen, but ah tink auld Brohn perraps need som guidance. Yoo see, a contree’s Finance Meenister ees a very import-tant memba uf de govern-ment. Hee hev t’ meet wid udder import-tant peepel frum udder contrees an’ eet ees verry import-tant dat he ees taken seri-owsly. Mekin’ a joke nahme like “Darling” ess funny wen yoo twelve year auld, but nod wen yoo a Finance Meenister. Wen ah furst hear he call heemself “Darling”, ah thowt mebbee he ees doin’ unspeakable tings together wid dat filthy degener-rate, Mandel-sohn. Ahm afred der ees no room in a govern-ment for a man who do nod respec’ hees own po-sition, to de ex-tend dat he mek a joke name fur heemself an’ think it funny t’ cum t’ wark in de mornin’ med up t’ luk like a badger.”

“Ah weel hev sum more advice fer Meester Brohn wen ah see heem on mah ah-rival in Inger-land. Buht dat ken wate for de next tahm ah tahlk t’ yoo gud fohlks here on meester Tohd’s blog.”

Too-del pip!

Bobby Mugabe